Safewords
Most people who play with kink choose to play with a safeword (or more than one). What exactly IS a safeword?
It’s a word that means stop when perhaps stop doesn’t actually mean stop. It’s sometimes a hard concept to wrap our minds around. After all, doesn’t NO always mean no?
Let me make something clear; unless there are additional negotiations, NO does in fact mean no. It doesn’t mean “try again and see if you can change my mind,” nor does it mean “I’m saying no in order to tease you into ____ing me.” No means no…unless you communicate with your partner that there is a change, and that you want to be able to say no, and have them keep going anyway.
Sometimes, we want to give up control, and let someone else take charge. We want to be able to say no, stop, don’t do that, and have them do it to us anyway. Perhaps we want to do a role play that involves saying no, or maybe we’re going to play in a way where one is punished for talking, and we want to have a way of stopping things. Maybe we know we’re going to be so high endorphins from playing that we want to have a check in method. Whatever your reason, safewords are a very good thing to have.
Lots of people play with what some call “the universal safewords.” This is usually RED for “stop right away/end the scene/cut me down NOW” and YELLOW for “I’m not really feeling this/not so ok with this particular thing, can you check in with me, and try something else instead.” Some people have adopted GREEN for “I wasn’t sure I like this but I really really do – please do more” and other sentiments of that ilk.
However, others choose not to use RED/YELLOW/GREEN. Sometimes people use their full name, or something that only they and their partner understand, like WATERMELON and CANTALOUPE. Whatever combo of words you choose, make sure that both of you understand them, and can remember/pronounce them. This is not necessarily the best time to start pronouncing German sayings or taking new vocabulary for a spin.
What happens if you’re gagged? Most tops/dominant people will give their bottom/sub a bell to ring, or a ball to drop if they want to safeword. Conversely, they may use that as a method of checking in; “ring the bell twice if you’re still doing ok.”
Slightly less common, but still used is the answer back safeword set. Top/dominant person has a question to ask or word to say, and their bottom/sub has a similar answer to give. Person one says moo, and the other says meow, that kind of thing. This way, if someone is off in la la land because they are enjoying things so much and their partner wants to check in and make sure they’re ok/didn’t forget their safeword, they can do so.
There is no shame in using a safeword (as either a top or a bottom), and nothing is wrong with you if you do. Conversely, just because the person you’re playing with USES a safeword, it doesn’t mean that you’re not playing well. It just means that at that one moment in time, things weren’t going quite right.
Safewords can be as unique as you want them to be, just make sure they’re something you remember. With that, sad, have fun playing!
