I don’t care who you are, you’ve heard about the erotic novel “Fifty Shades of Grey”. It’s a fantasy phenomenon. If you haven’t been drooling over the graphic sex scenes on your Nook, you’ve heard about them on The Today Show, MSNBC, CNN, and now Dr. Oz.  This “mommy porn” as it’s referred to, is really just a love story with a BDSM twist. Of course, “Fifty Shades” is classified as Twilight fan fiction, so fantasy is heavily involved, which leads me to believe this is why women are so taken with this book. Well, that and the hero of the story, Christian Grey.

So, why did women fall absolutely head over heels for a Dominant? Well, here’s why:

• Protective: Women need to feel protected, physically AND emotionally. We need to feel safe to share our feelings, thoughts, secrets, fantasies, etc. Christian is strong, powerful and protects Ana (heroine of story). He hires security, buys her a safe car, and is faithful to her (sexually protects her).
• Successful: Not just monetarily, either. Men can have lots of money, but without goals or ambition, there really is no success. Christian is an entrepreneur and created great success for himself. He’s young and works hard.
• Decisive: I can’t think of anything more annoying than when, on a date, a man says, “Hmm…I don’t care. Where do you want to go?” or “It’s up to you,” or “Whatever time works for you.” Women want men who take control and have an opinion. We may want men to think we’re the boss, but really we don’t want to be. Many of us make huge decisions at work, so it’s nice to have decisions made for us, after hours. Christian knows what he wants, and what Ana wants.  He orders for her, moves her into his home, tells her what time he’ll pick her up, etc. He famously says to her, “Come.” Quite the double entendre.
• Confident: Women need to feel like they can lean on their man, like a rock. It makes us feel comfortable and trusting. A man who can adapt to different social situations, is sophisticated, and comfortable with himself gives us that feeling. Christian is proficient in many different things (sailing, flying, business, lovemaking) and knows how to handle himself in diverse situations. He is also very well known, respected, and gets what he wants.
• Humor: Life is too serious to take seriously. We all need someone to laugh with.  Christian has a sense of humor (although it is Ana who gets him to show it.) He is also imperfect, which makes him more human and relatable.

The other part of this book that is a huge draw to women is the fantasy piece. But, why? Keep reading for the reasons women fantasize.

• Autonomy: We have this need for autonomy (self-management and choice). Today, women have a lot of power and control at both, work and home. We’re under pressure and stressed. We’d love to relax, but giving up that control is scary.  Fantasy is a non-threatening way to do so.
• Control: Giving up complete control involves trusting someone – completely. When is the last time you did that? When you were a baby? Imagine letting some dude tie your limbs to the bedposts and blindfold you, or telling a man your deepest, dirtiest, darkest secret. What feelings overcome you? Panic? Fear?
• Trust: Fantasies take us to a place where we can completely let ourselves go and trust someone – fully. It’s really what people are after; what we are all striving for. We all want to be taken care of, in some part of our life. No one can do everything alone.
• Escape: Life can be ugly. A lot of women fantasize because they’re going through divorces, have horrible jobs, are getting abused, are bored, whatever. Fantasy is a form of coping, stress relief.

One woman may drink a few martinis to unwind, another may snort a line of coke to deal with her rough day, another may blow $4,000 in an hour at Nieman Marcus, while yet another may fantasize to cope with life. Heck, some women may do all of the above! Either way, fantasy provides relief and makes us feel good.

If you’re familiar with “Fifty Shades” and/or fantasy, think about the feelings that surge through your body while you’re reading the words in the books. Excitement? Enthusiasm? Arousal? Order all three books from Fascinations today!  Hurry, because they’re flying off our shelves.

Description

My boyfriend gave me sex for my birthday this year. Now, he also gave me a dozen white roses and a gift certificate to a spa, but all of these presents have something in common: he’s really good at paying attention and he’s really thoughtful. We don’t usually have sex three times in a 24-hour period, even though I would love to do it every day. (That’s why they invented lube, folks!) He knows that I usually want sex, and he made sure it happened for my birthday. He even did it subtly enough that I didn’t realize it was part of The Birthday Experience, I just thought, “Yay! Sex!” If you and your significant other have a special occasion approaching (anniversary, birthday, the first date night you’ve had together in way too long, etc), the best way to make it memorable is not to spend too much money on jewelry or a fancy dinner or all the other clichés – unless you know that’s what your partner wants.

Let’s be honest, there’s a reason the dinner/jewelry/flowers/chocolate habit exists, and that’s because a lot of women do really appreciate that type of gesture. Maybe you sprinkle rose petals all around the bedroom, light candles, and give a massage because your partner has been complaining about stress at work. Maybe you order in Chinese, put on a pair of tight mesh boxer briefs (sadly, not available in our online store) you normally wouldn’t be caught dead wearing and scrub the kitchen floor because she’s been saying for weeks she wants one night where she doesn’t have to cook and wishes she had time to clean the kitchen. If he’s mentioned he feels like he always instigates sex and wants you to take charge one night, invest in some restraints, buy a corset, and climb on top and Ride ‘im, Cowgirl! Has your significant other been mentioning they would love to see what you look like shaved bare or adorned with body jewelry? Has she been dropping hints about trying a cock ring? Has he not-so-casually mentioned anal play?

Obviously you shouldn’t do anything that you aren’t comfortable with just to please your partner, but birthdays are a great time to do That Thing you don’t really love to do even though they like it. (I know a woman who only gives blowjobs on birthdays and anniversaries. I feel sorry for her husband, but it’s a good illustration of my point!)

Anniversaries, Valentine’s Day, and other holidays are great times to reconnect with each other. Have you been having SOS (Same Old Sex) for too long? Try a game like Behind Closed Doors where you collect cards with various sex acts that the winner gets to incorporate into your next time together, or A Hot Affair (With Your Partner) where you discuss fantasies and draw cards instructing you to perform naughty acts! Even something as simple as naughty dice can spice things up by drawing out the foreplay and allowing you to get a little creative. Honestly, even changing up the time of day you have sex can make a fun difference! Mid-afternoon sex on a weekday feels a little like playing hooky for naughty reasons, even if you’re both at home for other reasons. Get a hotel room for a night, or afternoon, have loud sex without worrying about the neighbors, and go on vacation in your own town. Dress up (or down) and go to a bar or restaurant or club you’ve never been to before, where you don’t have to worry about running into friends who will be scandalized by your groping each other under the table!

Looking for some beginner bondage tips? Check out this fabulous post from Fascinations blogger Anja about how to get turned on and tied up.

So, you and your partner want to try something a little kinky, do you? Are you thinking maybe handcuffs or blindfolds or maybe a little spanking? Or are you thinking suspension and latex and whips? (Please only click on this particular link if you’re interested BDSM. You will find non-mainstream items on this site that some might find intense but that will gets others’ juices running.)

This week’s post is going to focus on bondage, because even the books and movies have to pick and choose what to focus on, and they have a lot more space. Next week I’ll start talking kinky toys.

Before we get into the accoutrements of kink, let’s do the important bit: all sexual acts should be consensual, and when you start getting into the “naughtier” things, this line can get a little blurred. ANY time bondage (handcuffs, rope, gags, or even holding somebody’s wrists or neck) gets involved, it is vital you have a “safe word.” The use of “yellow” and “red” is common; “yellow” means “I am near my limit” and “red” means “stop now.” If gags are involved, these need to be an easy-to-do but clear physical motion instead of a word, for obvious reasons.

For those of you thinking, “Why not just say ‘Stop’?” here’s why: You and your wife are playing a little schoolgirl fantasy. The teacher puts the student over his knee and says, “You have been very naughty and deserve a spanking.” She says, “No, don’t spank me!” Is that the schoolgirl saying “No,” or is it your beautiful wife? If you don’t have a safe word, now you have to stop the scene and ask.

Bondage toys can also be made from a variety of materials. Some people prefer metal, like handcuffs. Some people like rope or fabric because they can creatively tie and display their partner, or it feels more spur-of-the-moment to use “found” materials. If you are tying somebody up and using knots to secure them, it’s vital you keep scissors nearby to cut them loose if necessary. Never tie somebody so tightly they start to lose circulation. Also, it’s not advisable to use silk as a restraint material. Silk is very strong, but also slippery and stretchy. This means you can accidentally cinch knots down extremely tight while wriggling around having a fun time. With all these warnings, it makes sense that a lot of beginners and dabblers use store-bought restraints.

I made up some categories for restraining people. Once you figure out what you’re looking for, it’s easier to find what type of restraint you need.

Psychological Bondage

An example of this is when your girlfriend puts your hands above your head and presses them into the mattress and says, “Leave them there,” before giving you oral sex. This is fun for a lot of people because they know they can move at any time, and it feels a little naughty, knowing you could disobey and maybe get punished for it.

These Straps are for Leverage

Sometimes you aren’t binding somebody so they can’t move, you’re suspending them from the ceiling. Sex swings and variants on this theme are not really “bondage” but they use the same materials.

Oh, No, I “Can’t” Get Free

Fuzzy handcuffs fall into this category, as do a lot of the bondage cuffs. These are things that have a safety release so the bound person can get themselves free, if necessary. Usually this is only possible if your hands are bound together; good luck if you’re spread-eagled across the bed. Depending how you tie the rope, some rope bondage falls into this category. Collars and leashes fall into this category, as well.

I Can’t Get Free but I Can Move

If you’re tied spread-eagled to your bed, dangling from the door jamb, or hog tied, good luck getting free of your restraints, but if the straps are long enough, you can wiggle around and play at “escaping” or push back to meet your partner’s thrusts.

Bound and Immobile

It’s possible to tie somebody so they can’t move a muscle. Be careful, as this can put strain on joints, but some people really get off on being completely immobile. You can cinch down the straps on something like the Under the Bed Restraint System so your spread-eagled paramour can’t even struggle.

Mistress Saskia is back for a fabulous and fun Kink 101 Seminiar, this Thursday, at the Fascinations at 5197 W. 64th Ave in Arvada, Colorado at 7pm.

All of Fascinations sex education classes are 100% free, and the first 20 attendees get a $10 gift card. Plus learn lots about BDSM, kink, sensual play, fetishes and more! Free refreshements and a raffle as well.

“Bondage” is a word that can evoke scary and intimidating images of cuffs and chains for many people. And I agree; its a pretty intense word! But, like most things, bondage falls on a spectrum, and there are many ways to incorporate bondage into your play in a loving, gentle, and intimate way.


But before we get to that, lets talk about why people like bondage in the first place. Whats the appeal? Well, bondage involves a power exchange, and therefore involves trust and intimacy with the person that youre partaking in it with. Theres something very intimate and special about giving control up to someone that you care about, or having someone you care about trust you enough to give control over to you. Its not something that you would do with someone that you didnt trust, which adds a level of intimacy and tenderness to the activity. Sounds pretty nice, huh?


And it is! But before you start playing around with bondage with your partner, the most important thing to do is talk about boundaries and “safe words” beforehand. Boundaries are things that you are and are not okay with happening. A “safe word” is a word that you agree upon with your partner, and once its uttered, all play immediately stops. Its used when someone feels uncomfortable with whats happening. These things need to be established before any play takes place, so that you and your partner can feel as safe as possible.


Once all of the necessary preparations are out of the way, how do you incorporate bondage in an intimate way? There are many options out there! You can start by simply having a lover pin your wrists over your head (yes; that can be a form of bondage/restraint!) You can do something as simple as using silk scarves or a mens tie to tie your lovers wrists together, or to the bed posts. Once thats been done, you can tease your partner with touches, stroking, tickling, and whatever else you can think of that they might enjoy. You can even take it a step further and tie their ankles as well! And for those of you that want to tease your partner even more, try wrapping a scarf or tie around their eyes to create a blindfold as well. Removing one of their senses heightens all the other ones!


Of course, if you want, you can take the bondage to the next level. Wrist cuffs or handcuffs that arent as easy to slip out of as a scarf or tie can be used. You can bind your lover to a chair, instead of the bed. Let your imagination run wild! For the person thats restraining, the anticipation of whats to come can be delicious, and for the person that retains the control, having a lover that trusts you enough to put control of their body in your hands is extremely intimate and a huge rush.


Dont be afraid to experiment, but remember that communication with your partner is key. Safety and consent are the two most important things when theres any play involving a power exchange. If you have those things down, feel free to have some fun!

written by: Rebecca Lowrie

A Tantric BDSM sensory experience for you to try

Whether you’re new to tantra, BDSM or both, here is a lovely sensory experience for you to experiment with. You can use this exactly as it is, use parts of it, or just be inspired by it to create your own sensory experience. This has been designed with beginners in mind to blend the two erotic arts of tantra and BDSM. Its written as if for two people, but it could easily be adapted to try on your own, or even in a group!

Decide who will be active (giver, top, dom) and who will be receptive (receiver, bottom, sub). You may already prefer a particular role, or it might be fun to take turns to do both.

Discuss what is and isnt ok for this particular session. You might only feel like experiencing the softer, gentler things this time. Maybe youre happy for your partner to use their hands (spanking, pinching, scratching, soothing, etc) but no toys. If you want to explore more intense sensations, create a “safeword” that you can use when you reach your edge or would like to stop. Common safewords are “YELLOW” for “I need you to slow down” or “check in with me please”, and “RED” for “STOP NOW.” If your partner uses the safeword for “stop now,” then stop right then and there, no questions asked. That allows you both to feel free and safer in exploring deeper, more intense sensations with trust.

Create a sacred space in whatever way feels right to you. You might like to include beautiful sarongs, saris, blankets, cushions, candles, flowers or something else all together.

Gather any props or tools youve agreed to use. This might include feathers, silky
material, furry things, blindfolds, rope, ice, floggers, canes, and more. Make sure you know how to use any equipment you choose. If the BDSM side of things is new to you, you dont need special toys to play with. Get creative and see what you have around the house. A wooden spoon or hairbrush can be used for impact (test it on yourself first). A teaspoon kept on ice can be used for cold sensations. A scarf, tie or pair of panty hose can be used to restrict someones movement. If you are new to tying someone up, keep it loose so you dont restrict blood flow. Make sure you have a pair of scissors or other suitable cutting tool handy.

Once youve prepared everything, come and sit opposite your partner. Take a few minutes to connect with each other. You could try eye-gazing or breathing together. Maybe youd each like to state your intentions, requests, or desires out loud.

When youre ready to begin, have the receiver sit, kneel or lie down. This would be a good time to blindfold your receiver if they are happy for you to do so. You might also like to restrict their movement in some way.

Start with something soft to wake up their skin and to help them relax into the space. You could use a feather, silky or furry material or your fingertips. Move very, very slowly over
their body. A slower movement allows each and every cell to wake up and be energised. This also helps sexual energy that is raised to spread throughout the body later on. Include the whole of their body, dont focus only on the genitals, breasts or bum.

Once you’ve spent some time with the softer strokes, you might like to experiment with something different. Perhaps run an ice cube down their back, over their nipples, behind their knees. Maybe you give their bottom a few playful slaps with your hand. Experiment with different sensations. Build the energy up slowly, from soft, slow strokes, to harder, more definite slaps, pinches, etc and then bring it down just slightly. Build the energy up again, this time a bit higher.

Note: A lot of people are put off impact play(spanking, flogging, caning, etc) because they believe it to be about random whacks out of the blue. There is an actual art to proper impact play; however you can try it safely at home with just a few pointers. Take time to build up the intensity slowly. Stay on padded parts of the body like the bum and thighs. Never hit over the small of the back, the kidneys, the back of the neck or any place youve been asked not too. When you build up slowly, natural endorphins are released in the body. Not only do they give you a lovely natural buzz, but they make things hurt less. Impact play then becomes about an exchange of energy between you, but without the “pain” factor.

As you play with the energy, you might like to occasionally stroke their genitals, bum, etc to help them raise their sexual energy and eroticise the experience they are having. Check in with your receiver every few minutes to see how they are. Remind them (and yourself) to keep breathing.

Its really lovely to intersperse harder sensations with softer ones. Try rubbing your hands lovingly all over your partners body after a few whacks of the
flogger or hairbrush. Something cool like a wet cloth or ice rubbed over an area that has received a lot of impact play feels wonderful. You can return to the eye-gazing or breathing together at any time during the experience. If both(or all) parties consent, you can make love or fuck like crazy at any point. Use your bodies, toys or your object of choice! When it feels like time to stop, bring your receiver down slowly. Go back to the softer, fluffier sensations that you started with.

When you are ready, untie them, take off their blindfold and take some time to cuddle or be gentle with each other. You might like to have a bite to eat, soak in a bath together or curl up and share your individual experiences of the session. Remember to thank each other for the amazing journey you have just shared!

Flogging can be added to a couples sex life to add a new spice to the activities that the two of them already enjoy. Flogging is done by using a toy that includes a handle with pieces of fabric or leather hanging off of one end to gently stroke and lightly hit your partner. The fabric/leather can be cut into as few or as many pieces as the toy-manufacturer chose to make it. These are called the “tails” of the flogger, and can be made from many materials, including fabric, and ever a soft suede to a harder rough leather.


Why does a couple choose to engage in flogging? Flogging can be a sensual way for the two of you to reconnect. Being able to trust your partner to softly hit while still hitting in the right spots is something that takes some practice, so being able to trust your partner during this activity is something that will bring the two of you closer together. Flogging is also very versatile; depending upon the speed, intensity, and toy itself, it can range from being very sensual to being slightly more like punishment. Some people describe flogging as energy-sharing, or even as cathartic.


Before you choose to engage in flogging, the two of you should two do things together. First, you should both sit down and talk about what you expect out of flogging. You both should agree upon how intense youd like the situation to be, as any other concerns you have. Having a safe word (which is word that is unrelated to play that will immediately cease play when one of the partners says it) is also a very good idea before you attempt to play. Having a word like that (such as “red” or “elephant”) will allow the both of you to focus on the play at hand and not have to worry if you are pushing your partner too far. Of course, checking in with your partner once in awhile is always a good thing.


The second thing you two should do is sit down together, and really take the time to pick out a flogger together. If you both pick it out together, youll both be much more likely to enjoy playing with it, and itll be a new experience that the two of you can share.


Before you use your new flogger on a person, I recommend trying it out on an inanimate object for a couple minutes just to know how your new toy handles. Even the BDSM professionals spend a lot of time testing out their new toys before they try them on a human. Once you have a feel for the toy, you can move on to playing with your partner.


When playing with your partner, you want to start off slow and very gentle. It can seem like fun to strike roughly, but its much more enjoyable (and safe) to start off slowly. When flogging, you should focus most of your attention on the butt. The butt has the most body fat and will be the most enjoyable to be hit. If you want some variety, the upper back (away from the spine)
also are great places to use your flogger. No matter what you are doing, you should never strike the body area near the kidneys. This means that the lower back (below the ribcage) is completely off limits to your play. The kidneys are very gentle and can be damaged easily by a rough blow from a flogger.


Keeping the safety considerations in mind, enjoy the time you have with your partner. Many people enjoy flogging on a regular basis and bringing a sex toy in your playtime will allow you to spice up your regular sex life. Make sure to keep communication open, and keep your mind open for future play ideas.

written by: Rebecca Lowrie

Most
people are surprised to find that Tantra and BDSM are not polar opposites, and
that fundamentally, they are quite similar paths leading to much the same place.They are both conscious,consensual practices that use sexual energy as a way to expand awareness,
heighten pleasure, and ultimately connect us to the ecstasy and bliss that is our true nature.

Tantra is a spiritual practice that embraces sexuality and uses sexual energy as fuel to get to enlightenment.BDSM is asexual path, that when practiced with sacred intention (and sometimes not!), has the possibility of connecting us very deeply to our spirituality. Both are erotic paths designed to raise sexual energy and alter our states of consciousness. Both Tantra and BDSM offer us the potential to use sexual energy for healing and transformation, to bring full awareness and consciousness to the moment, and to connect to ourselves, our partners and the Universe. Tantra and BDSM both have their roots in ancient traditions and also have added modern embellishments.

Tantras main body of techniques and practices come from ancient sutras, or teachings that have been handed down from master to initiate over the last 10,000 years. There
is a direct correlation between Tantra teachings and BDSM techniques. The 21^st sutra is a great example of this: “Pierce” some part of your nectar-filled form with a pin, and gently enter the piercing and attain to the inner purity.Wow!

Here is what Osho, father of Tantra in the west, says about this sutra:

“Your body is not just your body, it is filled with you, and that you is the nectar. Pierce your body. When you are piercing your body, you are not pierced – only the body is pierced. But you feel the pierce as if you have been pierced that is why you feel pain. If you can become aware that only the body is pierced, that you are not pierced, instead of pain you will feel bliss… for the first time you will become aware that you are not the body. And once you know that you are not the body your life is changed completely. A different world arises which is around the soul – a world of compassion, of love, of beauty, of truth, of goodness, of innocence. The centre is shifted, and it is not in the body now. It is in the consciousness.

Ritual and play piercing, exploration with pain and ordeal also have ancient tribal and shamanic histories and have been adopted into some BDSM practices. As the Tantric sutra says, when approached with intent and awareness, these rituals can expand our consciousness.

Some people often find that when they use Tantric techniques at the beginning of a
session, their BDSM journey usually goes much deeper than when they dont.One example of an opening ritual (again, something that Tantra and BDSM share) often starts with some eye gazing and tantric breathing techniques to open and connect hearts. This allows each person to feel safe and held, to let go of the everyday mundane world and step into a magical new land of possibilities. It also strengthens the bond of trust between the two people, which enables them to journey further and deeper. Often, when one begins in this way, whoever is topping (or active) becomes a very loving top. This might manifest in a soft, nurturing yet dominant way or in feeling the love as the flogger delivers your loved one into deeper and deeper realms of joy, pleasure and ecstasy.

You can also utilize Tantric techniques throughout a session, depending on what youre in the mood for and what youve agreed to in the beginning.You can use Tantric breathing techniques take each other higher, to help endure harder thrashings or to re-connect when it feels necessary. Sometimes one might employ BDSM techniques to stretch a Tantric session a bit wider or add desired change, spice or fun. Imagine a Tantric sensory session peppered with blindfolds, canes, or whatever BDSM toys turn you on.

Tantra utilizes polarities as does BDSM (active/receptive, dom/sub, giving/receiving, etc) in order to have a fuller experience of being in the moment. Both tantra and BDSM use sensory play and sensory deprivation to arouse the senses and raise sexual energy. Both tantra and BDSM use conscious breathing techniques to raise energy, move it around the body and elevate levels of arousal, pleasure and orgasmic possibilities. By combining techniques and practices from both paths, youll broaden your sexual potential and expand your capacity for creating ecstatic, meaningful and spiritual sexual experiences. Why not try it and allow new possibilities to unfold!

Safe words are a staple among those who partake in any variation of BDSM play. To veterans, its a pretty straight-forward conversation to have with a prospective partner, but to beginners, the topic of safe words, what they are used for exactly, and how to choose one can become quite the complex conversation.

A safe word is a word, or phrase if you prefer, that has been previously talked about and agreed upon that when said, will immediately bring a scene to an end without anything being left up to interpretation. Safe words are important, and in my opinion, absolutely necessary. It does not matter whether you have a long-term partner that you trust completely or are just starting out with someone new; safe words keep everyone involved safe, comfortable, and secure in knowing that at all times, the other person is fully consenting to what is going on.

The reason why safe words exist and why people who engage in BDSM insist upon having one is because it is easy for the words “ouch”, stop”, and “no” to slip out without really wanting your partner to stop what they are doing. In a considerably “normal” sexual encounter, when a person says “no” for any reason, it is meant for the person that they are with to stop what they are doing and if they fail to stop, then that is called sexual assault and that is a crime. When it comes to BDSM, or really any sexual encounter where you have communicated to your partner that you may not want them to stop as part of play or fantasy – even if you tell them to or when you say “no,” that is when your previously agreed upon safe word will come to save the day. Again, if you do not use your safe word throughout your encounter, you will be letting your partner know that you are comfortable, feel safe, and are consenting to what they are doing. It is for that reason that I think that the use of safe words are tremendously important and non-negotiable; they must be implemented for the safety of everyone involved and they must be respected and adhered to at all times.

The most commonly-used safe words are RED, YELLOW, and GREEN, and yes, it is as straight-forward as it sounds. GREEN means that everything is great, Im fine, continue with what you are doing. YELLOW means stop what you are doing, I need a minute to catch my breath, to gather myself, to recuperate, or we need to change something you are doing before we can continue. RED means stop immediately, I cannot and do not consent to continuing with what you are doing.

The reason why these are the most commonly-used safe words is because the colors of a streetlight and what they mean have been engrained into our heads from a very early age; the meaning behind these certain colors are second-nature to us now, making them very easy to remember even if you are in a state of bliss and your head is foggy, or if you become triggered, or if you are unable to continue with a scene for any reason. But while they may be some of the most commonly-used safe words, I have never really been a fan of them. I can understand why someone would want to be able to say the word GREEN to let their partner know that they are enjoying what is going on and that they can continue, but Ive always been more of a no news is good news type of person, so if my partner hears me moaning in delight and visibly enjoying what is happening.

Which brings me to my next point; not everyone is the same, and safe words are not necessarily interchangeable from person to person. A safe word you may have used with an old partner of yours may have suited you just fine then, but a new partner could have a different idea of what their perfect safe word would be and what they would feel comfortable saying to make sure the scene is stopped immediately when they need it to be.

So what is the best way to come up with a safe word that will work for you? I have found that soon after bringing the topic of discussion up with your partner, you will have a few to choose from in seemingly no time at all. Picking out a safe word is actually a fun activity, especially if you decide to go with a safe word that may be on the silly or ridiculous side. I like having a safe word that would never have the chance of coming up in any sort of communication, in or out of the bedroom, and it really goes without saying that you should pick a word that could not come up during some heated bedroom dirty talk.

After choosing a safe word that works for you and your partner, carve it in stone. Not literally, of course, but make sure that it is understood that the word you have just agreed on will remain your safe word indefinitely so there is no chance of confusion or anything not being taken literally when it needs to be.

As always, have fun. Have fun coming up with your safe word and make sure to utilize it when you need to so your sex life remains fun and fulfilling for a long time to come.

Do you think its sexy when your partner pushes you againstthe wall and kisses you roughly? Does it turn you on to think about yourpartner serving you or being punished when he has disobeyed? Do you havefantasies about being ordered around or perhaps punished when youre naughty? Do you crave power in your sexual relationships, or do you love giving power up toa strong partner? Then you or your partner may be interested in exploring a D/srelationship!

In BDSM, D/s stands for Dominance and submission. This means that one partner is in the drivers seat, so to speak. One of you is the leaderand one of you is the follower. D/s relationships can work with either partner in control, or you can play around with switching roles. D/s relationships canbe permanent or as temporary as you want them to be: you can assume your sexy “roles” for 10 minutes or 10 years.

Some D/s relationships have very defined roles that partnersenjoy assuming. Some of the more common BDSM-style relationships involve a Master/slave or Mistress/slave combo, and these are often fairly permanentarrangements that both partners maintain full-time. Other partners choose tolabel their relationships Dom/submissive or Domme/submissive, Owner/pet, or nothing at all. You dont need a label to enjoy D/s. You and your partner can choose any role that seems sexy to you; common role playing such as principal/school girl or police officer/civilian also contain an element of Dominance and submission. Whether you are a playing a parent and child, mistress and slave, criminal and victim, or boss and secretary, D/s relationships can be tailored to fit whatever you and your partner think is hot.

The first and most important aspect of starting a D/s relationship is that it must be consensual! This means that both of you must be 100% okay with any exchange of power that happens. If one of you tries to bully or force the other one into a D/s relationship, that isnt D/s, its abuse. D/s is always, always consensual. You should always have an agreed-upon phrase or code word, called a safeword, that either of you can use to stop or pause the scene for any reason. This way, if one person decides that D/s is not all its cracked up to be, you can safely and quickly stop the activity until both of you are ready to try it again.

The second aspect of beginning a D/s relationship is communication. Communication is vital in any relationship, and this is no less true in consensual D/s relationships. You must both be very clear about what your hopes, desires, and fears are. What do you hope to get out of a D/s relationship? What kind of activities sound hot and which ones just turn you off completely? What safeword will you use to keep your both safe?

If you think you might be interested in pursuing a D/s relationship, first talk with your partner. Discuss what you find sexy or appealing
about this relationship and what you hope to gain from starting one. You might play around with some D/s role playing before you attempt to make D/s a more
long-term part of your relationship. For instance, spend a few days role playingdifferent scenarios, such as teacher/student or Mistress/slave. Then decide if you like it. Do you prefer to take the lead in a D/s situation, or do you get off on being the one controlled? Perhaps you enjoy both!

D/s can open a whole new world of sexual experience for you and your partner. Whether you decide to incorporate D/s into your relationship long-term or just to add some occasional spice, D/s can be a sexy and exciting world of sexual discovery for partners to explore.

Spanking is a neat way to spice up the love life between the two of you. Spanking consists of slapping the butt of your partner in an erotic manner. While spanking can be done on other parts of the body, it is usually most erotic, pleasurable, and least painful when done on the butt because of the extra body fat that is usually located there. What do you use to spank? You can use your hand, paddles made for spanking, or even kitchen utensils, like a spatchula!


Why would a person want to be spanked?
While it might seem a little different at first, it actually can serve a lot of different fantasies. For the most part, however, people enjoy being spanked because theyve been “naughty”. Who doesnt want to be erotically punished for a pretend transgression they never committed? It allows people to be able to feel turned on by knowing that they are helpless to their partner. Its a little more complicated than that, and everyone has their own reason for enjoying it, but those are some of the main reasons.


Why would a person want to spank someone?
For the most part, its usually because the partner is playing along with the other persons fantasy. However, many people enjoy spanking their partner because of a roleplay role or just to feel like they are in control of the situation. Once again, it really does depend on the person.


What safety things should you keep in mind before approaching spanking?
For one, never approach this cold turkey with your partner. This is something that should have been discussed beforehand. You both want to discuss what limitations you have when it comes to spanking as well as how hard you believe you would enjoy it. Something that will help you both approach this worry-free is to agree upon a word that instantly means for both of you to stop. When we roleplay and do things such as spanking, sometimes we can use words like “no” when we really are just playing our role. Agreeing upon that worry-free word such as “red” will allow the both of you to enjoy yourselves without worrying that you are pushing one another past a comfortable point.


During the activity, start off slow and warm the both of you up. If it fits into your playtime, find a way to check on your partner. For example, if the person being spanked is playing thenaughty girl, its possible to say “Youre enjoying this, arent you?” without breaking out of your roles. As the two of you become more aroused, increase the pace and the intensity of the spanking. If your partner starts to flinch or tense up, decrease the intensity of your spanking. Remember that the two of you agreed upon that safeword, so neither of you should be afraid to use it.


After your time with spanking, you two should make some time to talk about what worked well and what youd like to improve about it next time. This can make sure that you both will continue to enjoy it again. Even if it didnt go well this time – dont give it up. Small improvements can make a huge difference when it comes to trying something thats new to you. Above all – enjoy yourselves. Spanking is a sensual activity, and it can bring you both closer together and add a new spice to your sex life.

Lee Harrington, kinkster, rope expert, author, shaman and of course, educator, will be coming to Denver this Thursday and Friday to teach at Fascination.

Thursday night, join him at our Arvada store for Kink 101 — learn the basics of BDSM, how to explore your kinky side, and much more. This is a Let’s Talk Se event, and is free and open to everyone 18+. Food and drink will be served, and there is a free raffle.

Then Friday night, Lee is hosting a special hands-on workshop at our Glendale store (near Colorado and Virginia). For $10-$20 (sliding scale, please pay what you can afford. $20 tickets include a $15 gift card!), you can learn all about Bondage for Love Making. From speed cuffs to rope harnesses, this class is great for rope lovers of ALL skill sets (including newbies!).

Both classes are at 7pm.

See you there!

Flogging is a fun and fabulous activity that can be done by everyone, regardless of gender, orientation, or even “level of kink.” Whether it is soft and sensual, or a bit harder and more intense, flogging is fairly easy and can be lots of fun, especially if you know how to do it.

Mistress Kay has written a great article for us on the basics of flogging, and I think it would be really helpful for anyone who might be interested in learning about, or trying out flogging, but just isn’t sure where to begin.

Here is a piece from the article:

Flogging can be added to a couple’s sex life to add a new spice to the activities that the two of them already enjoy. Flogging is done by using a toy that includes a handle with pieces of fabric or leather hanging off of one end to gently stroke and lightly hit your partner. The fabric/leather can be cut into as few or as many pieces as the toy-manufacturer chose to make it. These are called the “tails” of the flogger, and can be made from many materials, including fabric, and ever a soft suede to a harder rough leather.

Why does a couple choose to engage in flogging? Flogging can be a sensual way for the two of you to reconnect. Being able to trust your partner to softly hit while still hitting in the right spots is something that takes some practice, so being able to trust your partner during this activity is something that will bring the two of you closer together. Flogging is also very versatile; depending upon the speed, intensity, and toy itself, it can range from being very sensual to being slightly more like punishment. Some people describe flogging as energy-sharing, or even as cathartic.

Sexuality is generally coupled with sensuality, but that isn’t always the case. I mean, really, how often do you take time to touch every little bit of available skin on your partner’s body? When was the last time you took the time to lose one or more of your senses so that you could increase the other ones exponentially?

The lovely Aiden Fyre has written a sex education piece for us on turning out the lights, using a blindfold, massage oils, candle wax, and much more to add that often forgotten but oh so important element of sensuality to your sex lives. It doesn’t require a lot of spending, or even an excessive amount of time, but just enough to take a second, spend some quality time with your partner(s) and reinvigorate the sensuality that may have been pushed to the side.

Click here to read Aiden’s article.

Who doesn’t want a little love on their back side? Especially when it comes from a love paddle?

Whether you’re well into the art of kink, or just have always wanted to give your loved one a little hot spanking action, this is a funtastic paddle get get your engine of spanking going.

It’s an affordable kink product that isn’t going to fall apart the first time you hit someone with it, and in this economy, it’s nice to purchase something that will actually last a little bit of time.

Now, I will say, while the love cut out is in fact adorable, it would take quite a bit of power. If you or your partner isn’t into a lot of pain on the butt (or thigh), don’t get this with expectations of leaving “love-ing” brands all over soft skin. However, it is still cute enough to put up on the wall, or ever to threaten them with leave your love all over their body.

There is a hole at the end where a string should go if you’d like to hang it up; mine didn’t come with one, so I just put a little bit of ribbon in it to make it work. Otherwise, it’s nice that it doesn’t have a lot of extra, un-needed packaging (just comes by itself), and it’ll look good in any home.

Fun? Yes? Functional? Not for imprinting “LOVE” onto someone, but it can certainly pack a wallop if you’re swatting someone with it. Make sure you start slow! Plus, it’s not super expensive like some kink items are wont to be, so you should be able to buy it now, and use it whenever, and wherever you’d like. I hope you just “LOVE” it!

.Click here to get your own love paddle!

Miss out on our free Let’s Talk Sex workshop with Lee Harrington? His Intro to Kink class was incredible, with more than 50 people attended to learn about all sorts of delicious aspects of erotic restraint, sensation play, power dynamics and more. Check out some of the pictures from this amazing workshop. We hope to have Lee back in Phoenix again, as well as up in Denver!

Shanna Katz, Michael (marketing director for Fascinations) and Lee Harrington

Lee presenting

A whole room of people learning about kink!

Lee in a one on one with a class attendee

Blinded by the light…or love?

Lee clearly is so passionate about what he does

Having a bit of a laugh

Lee and Shanna pulling out winners of the free raffle!

Ever wonder how to try out bondage, or start with some spankings? Questioned kink, or wanted to know exactly what that toy was supposed to be used for?

You’re in luck! Next week, we’ll be having kink-tabulous speakers in both the Denver and Phoenix areas.

March 25th, Mistress Saskia of Pavlovia Denver will be at our Aurora store at 7pm doing a seminar on basic kink:

Not in the Denver area? Never fear! Lee Harrington (www.PassionAndSoul.com) will be giving the Phoenix area not one, but TWO workshops on March 25th (FREE Intro to Kink class), and March 26th ($10-$20 sliding scale workshop on Bondage for Lovemaking — $20 ticket includes $15 gift card).

All classes are part of the sexuality education series that Fascinations is committed to providing at low or no cost to the public. Please wear public appropriate attire, and be 18+. First come, first seated.

Hope to see you there!

Our very own residential sex educator Shanna Katz, and another awesome sex educator Sarah Sloane (who will be presenting at one of our Denver area stores in May) were both on March 7′s episode of Kink on Tap.

What is Kink on Tap?

Kink On Tap is more than just a net-cast about sexuality; it’s also a community of people for whom intelligent conversations about sexuality and how sexuality relates to other aspects of their lives is a motivating force for Doing Good.

That said, Shanna and Sarah joined the hosts in some interesting conversations including sex positivity, how different people define sex, sex positive/amateur vs mainstream porn, the transphobia surround Angelia Jolie and her child, gender identities, flash-mobs in the Netherlands, and social justice/equality among sex education. Fascinations was mentioned as one of the few sexuality stores to provide regular FREE sexuality classes, making sex education more accessible to people of varying ages and social economic statuses.

Click here to check out all of the above and more on this episode of Kink on Tap!

Sometimes those who are new to the kink or BDSM community might wonder what all this fuss about names are about. With names like Master John, Mistress Felice, Miss Lila and Sir Mark on the more dominant side, and slave jane, boy joe, girl sally, etc on the more submissive side, it’s easy to get confused.

To be kinky or play with BDSM, you don’t have to have any special name. If you want to check out some fetish-y items, take them home and play with your partner, you can do it calling each other just Sarah and Bob, or Sue and Celine, or Josh and Jackson. If you want, you can choose to call each other Sir, Ma’am, Miss, Mistress, Master and so on. Perhaps you use terms of endearment for praise, like “good boy” and “that’s my girl.”

Usually people with “titles” such as Mistress Felice and Master John have chosen them to publicly express their top/dominant side. They may are may not currently have partners who are submissive to them, and usually they do not expected to be called Master/Mistress by someone who is not submissive to them. When someone has a name like girl sally or slave jane, that is usually because they are “owned” or in service to someone (usually a top or dominant person).

This all said, not all people who identify as dominant have titles. You’ll meet people in the scene who go by Alice or Gary and are incredibly dominant personalities, with partners who submit to them. You’ll meet people named Miss Rachel and Sir Nick who are submissive, and only ply with dominant people. And of course, we have people who switch back and forth, and enjoy both topping and bottoming.

So what is the answer to this epic and kinky name game? Do what feels comfortable. If you’re playing with kink in the privacy of your relationship, talk to your partner about what THEY feel comfortable with, and what names they’d like to call you/be called if you play with kink. If you’re starting to branch out more into your local kink setting, you may want to choose a “scene name” in order to protect your non-kink identity. In this case, you can create whatever you want. Just remember, it’s always easier to start as Kate or Bill, and eventually morph into Mistress Kate or Master Bill, than it is to start out as Sir Master Of Awesome or Goddess of Thunder and Lightning and the Universe as a whole. People expect you to back up those names, so be careful that you don’t bite off more than you can chew.

Not sure what to go by, but are interested in exploring the scene? Sign up for a free account on FetLife.com, which is a kinkster social networking site. You can get an idea of who goes by what, and you can always change/update your user name as you find something more fitting.

Fascinations is a proud sponsor of various events in our local communities, including pride events, educational settings, rock concerts and more. One event we’ve been sponsoring for quite some time is the Arizona Fetish Ball. That means that of course we were there this past Saturday night at the Venue of Scottsdale for Fetish Revolution, dressed up, handing out gift cards and discount coupons, and getting our fetish on. Here are some fabulous pictures of the great time had by all.

Check out the HUGE crowd!

Fascinations’ Naughty and Nice Cupids

Clearly, this is the naughty cupid!

Some of the fantabulous fetish items for sale

Sex Educator Shanna Katz handing out gift card to lucky fetishists

Lucky kinkster getting a spanking!

Our Logo!

Some of the sexy outfits to be seen

Our cupids making the rounds

Safewords

Most people who play with kink choose to play with a safeword (or more than one). What exactly IS a safeword?

It’s a word that means stop when perhaps stop doesn’t actually mean stop. It’s sometimes a hard concept to wrap our minds around. After all, doesn’t NO always mean no?

Let me make something clear; unless there are additional negotiations, NO does in fact mean no. It doesn’t mean “try again and see if you can change my mind,” nor does it mean “I’m saying no in order to tease you into ____ing me.” No means no…unless you communicate with your partner that there is a change, and that you want to be able to say no, and have them keep going anyway.

Sometimes, we want to give up control, and let someone else take charge. We want to be able to say no, stop, don’t do that, and have them do it to us anyway. Perhaps we want to do a role play that involves saying no, or maybe we’re going to play in a way where one is punished for talking, and we want to have a way of stopping things. Maybe we know we’re going to be so high endorphins from playing that we want to have a check in method. Whatever your reason, safewords are a very good thing to have.

Lots of people play with what some call “the universal safewords.” This is usually RED for “stop right away/end the scene/cut me down NOW” and YELLOW for “I’m not really feeling this/not so ok with this particular thing, can you check in with me, and try something else instead.” Some people have adopted GREEN for “I wasn’t sure I like this but I really really do – please do more” and other sentiments of that ilk.

However, others choose not to use RED/YELLOW/GREEN. Sometimes people use their full name, or something that only they and their partner understand, like WATERMELON and CANTALOUPE. Whatever combo of words you choose, make sure that both of you understand them, and can remember/pronounce them. This is not necessarily the best time to start pronouncing German sayings or taking new vocabulary for a spin.

What happens if you’re gagged? Most tops/dominant people will give their bottom/sub a bell to ring, or a ball to drop if they want to safeword. Conversely, they may use that as a method of checking in; “ring the bell twice if you’re still doing ok.”

Slightly less common, but still used is the answer back safeword set. Top/dominant person has a question to ask or word to say, and their bottom/sub has a similar answer to give. Person one says moo, and the other says meow, that kind of thing. This way, if someone is off in la la land because they are enjoying things so much and their partner wants to check in and make sure they’re ok/didn’t forget their safeword, they can do so.

There is no shame in using a safeword (as either a top or a bottom), and nothing is wrong with you if you do. Conversely, just because the person you’re playing with USES a safeword, it doesn’t mean that you’re not playing well. It just means that at that one moment in time, things weren’t going quite right.

Safewords can be as unique as you want them to be, just make sure they’re something you remember. With that, sad, have fun playing!