Ask Meg: My Husband’s Ex Has Golden Uterus Complex. Explain!

by Meg on May 13, 2012

Meg:

I believe my husband’s ex-wife has golden uterus complex. Can you enlighten us a little more on this topic?

Thanks,

Plain Ol’ Uterus

 

Dear POU,

The word “golden” precedes many wonderful things, like retriever, spoon, ring, egg, etc. Unfortunately, uterus is not one of these wonderful things. (It’s wonderful all by itself, however.) Just another instance of when words can be deceiving.  Kind of like, kumquat.

Women who suffer from golden uterus complex (GUC) are typically first wives with an overwhelming sense of entitlement and superiority, simply because they had children with said man – first. These women manipulate their children, ex’s, and ex’s partners, claiming it’s “for the sake of the children.” In a way, these women feel like royalty and snub other mothers and their children, especially if these other mothers are second wives.

You’d think a woman totting around a golden uterus (GU) would be mother of the year. Nope. Although GUs get the majority of their sense of self from being a mother, they’re actually quite poor parents. Women suffering from GUC tend to be highly confrontational, selfish, and abusive.

Women with GUC operate under a couple core beliefs. Firstly, that the child is a possession, her possession. When people view a person as an object, they don’t respect his/her boundaries, which is the case here. For example, if mommy hates daddy, then the child must hate daddy. GUs don’t allow their children to have feelings/thoughts of their own; these women think and feel for their children. They are one entity. GUs also believe they own the father of their children because of their “unique” ability to birth his children. They believe an episiotomy scar makes them the authority on anything and everything having to do with their children, and their parenting takes precedence over everything, including the father’s.

You say your husband’s ex-wife has GU, so I imagine you’re having a helluva time. You know she thinks of you as an intruder, right? And she thinks of her children and herself as a package. In other words, if your husband wants to have a relationship with his kid(s), Ms. GU, believes she’s part of that deal. In her mind, why wouldn’t she be? The kid(s) did come from her uterus after all. You don’t say if your man’s ex has a boyfriend or new husband. But, really, why would you? It’s none of your damn business. Well, that’s what she told you, right?

Besides staying out of a GUs personal life, you better not critique her either because anything you say will be viewed as an attack – either on her, her children, or her parenting. So, naturally, co-parenting is a complete nightmare. If you don’t parent in the exact same way as a GU, she perceives it as abuse. And, if you question something she implements, she’ll punish you with passive-aggressive behavior, like not letting you see the kids.

Some examples of tactics GUC sufferers use:

  • A phone call in the middle of the night to work out the details of Sally’s ballet recital – that’s scheduled two months from now.
  • Waking the kids up at night to talk or cuddle because, well, “It gets lonely.”
  • Telling 10-year-old Jack, “Well, thanks to your dad, you’re the man of the house, now.”
  • Saying, “My boyfriend knows, in the eyes of God, you and I will always be married.”

GUs are also known to commonly partake in a despicable act known as Mommy-blocking. This is when she attempts to keep the children from their father, either by criticizing how he cares for the children, or who he brings around the children (i.e. new wives).

In short, these women have traits of a personality disorder, want to alienate the other parent, and believe their needs come before anyone else’s, including their children’s.

So, what to do? Well, I find that when dealing with people with personality disorders or just those who are highly confrontational, setting boundaries is the most effective tool. So, learn to say no and mean it. Let her know what she can and can’t get away with. Also, have your husband do the majority of the dealings with her. And, if she ever disrespects you, he should aptly put her in her place.  Because she is damaging the children as well, you and your husband, together, should work hard to instill self-esteem and values in them.

Also, make sure you and your husband take time to de-stress. Spend some quality time together and have fun! We have plenty of toys to help you!

Best,
Meg

 

Ask Meg is a series in which a reader/customer writes our love expert, Meg, with a relationship/sex question. Kind of like Dear Abby, but with more sex! Meg has her master’s in clinical psychology, works as a crisis counselor and has over 15 years of experience in behavioral health, specializing in relationships and sex. If you have a question, email Meg at mkrein@fascinations.net.

 

{ 0 comments }

What The Color of Your Lingerie Says About You

by Meg on May 6, 2012

 

This season, color is the new black. Really, ditch the monotonous black in favor of something a little, um, flashier. Not only will color get you noticed, it will boost your confidence and make you more alluring. But, of course, no two colors are the same. Just like in a bag of Skittles. Keep reading to find out what the color of your lingerie says about your relationship, love life, and you.

Red:  This is the most intense color and signifies passion, energy, and love. People who wear red tend to be full of energy, vibrant, and have high self-esteem, making them savvy lovers. In other words, they’re not shy between the sheets.

Pink: Donning a pink babydoll? Well, then “Fifty Shades of Grey” is probably on top of your nightstand, because pink is the color of romance and fantasy. It’s also a gentle, approachable color. Bring it on!

Blue: A lot of things in nature are blue, like the sky, the ocean, etc., which makes blue a very tranquil color. Nature calms people, so naturally blue does too. Dress up in a blue corset and you’ll have your partner calmly cuddling in your arms in no time. I say partner, singular, because blue-lovers, are very loyal peeps.

Green: Like money, the color green provokes feelings of power and vitality. Green makes people feel secure and relaxed. If you’re into BDSM, green might be the color you want to brandish. Along, with that flogger, of course.

Purple: Think you should be treated like a queen? Then, adorn yourself in the color of royalty. Besides being a majestic color, purple is known for its sophistication, femininity and romantic appeal.

Orange: Do you like, nay, need attention? If so, orange is your color. Orange people like to be stimulated – both intellectually and sexually.

 

{ 0 comments }

Ask Meg: My Wife Can’t Orgasm; What’s Up?!

by Meg on May 3, 2012

Hi Meg,

I was watching the news the other morning and saw the segment you were in about sex and health benefits.  I don’t know if this is the kind of question you could help me with or not, but I have been married for almost five years now, and my wife and I don’t have a healthy sexual relationship. We have sex, but she rarely enjoys it and never seems to climax.  She has never climaxed according to her. She says sex just isn’t that important.  I believe that she would feel differently about if she could reach climax.  It seems like when she does enjoy it she just gets close, but can’t get over the edge.  Also, her clitoris is extremely sensitive to the touch. I’m at a loss. I really want to share this with her. If you could show me the way I would be in your debt.

Sincerely E.

 

Dear E:

Sex is a huge part of a marriage, so this issue must be incredibly frustrating for you. Wanting “to share this with her” tells me how much you want to please your wife and how much you must love her. That’s a great start.

What your wife has is known as Female Orgasmic Disorder (FOD). Ten percent of all women are diagnoses with this disorder, so she’s not alone. There are two types of FOD: Primary, meaning the woman has never achieved orgasm, which, according to you would be the type your wife has. And, Secondary, meaning the woman has, at one time, been able to reach the big O. Unfortunately, Primary FOD is the most difficult to treat.

So, what causes FOD? Well, several things. Let’s run through them:

  • Trauma: Any woman who has been sexually abused is at risk for emotional/psychological/sexual problems. Feelings of guilt and shame can make a sexual abuse victim feel sexually inadequate, which in turn can greatly affect her sex life.
  • Comfort: How comfortable with sex is your wife? A lot of women, whether for religious or cultural reasons, were taught sex is “bad”. So, if she feels shame about the act, it will definitely interfere with her ability to climax. Also, is she comfortable with her body? Body-image issues can cause anxiety during intercourse and impede orgasm.
  • Medications: If your wife is taking antidepressants, anti-anxiety medications or medications to lower blood pressure, they make be affecting her ability to reach orgasm.
  • Substances: Excessive amounts of booze or illicit drugs will do a number on anyone’s ability to climax.
  • Relationship: How good is your marriage? Does your wife feel pressure from you to climax? If so, this will cause anxiety, creating a vicious cycle. When having sex with someone with this issue, the environment should be relaxed. Also, are there any resentment issues? Women can hold emotions /feelings in which have a tendency to manifest sexually.
  • Control: Does she have control issues? Some women correlate having an orgasm with a losing control, like they’re letting go of something or giving something away.
  • Pelvic Floor Prolapse: This happens when the muscles that support the pelvic organs loosen. There are several causes of prolapse: childbirth, aging, surgery and spinal cord injury. One way to gauge if your wife is suffering from this: she experiences a frequent urge to urinate and complains of pressure in the vagina or rectum.

I suggest talking to your wife about the above and see if any resonate with her. Treatment depends on which ones strike a chord with her. Below are some of the most common:

  • Therapy: This is especially advised if your wife is a victim of sexual abuse. If not, you, as a couple may benefit from sex therapy.
  • Kegel Exercises: If your wife suffers from pelvic floor prolapse, she should strengthen her pelvic muscles.
  • Medication Change: See a doc and get a med change if meds are the root of the issue.
  • Communicate: For any healthy relationship, communication is the best tool. So, if your wife is feeling uneasy about sex, whether it’s due to body-image issues or religious reasons, ask her to talk to you about them.
  • Hormones: Sometimes hormones, such as synthetic testosterone can cure this pesky problem. Of course, your wife’s OBGYN will be able to advise her on this.

Best,

Meg

 

Ask Meg is a series in which a reader/customer writes in to our love expert, Meg, with a relationship/sex question. Kind of like Dear Abby, but with more sex! Meg has her master’s in clinical psychology, works as a crisis counselor and has over 15 years of experience in behavioral health, specializing in relationships and sex. If you have a question, email Meg at mkrein@fascinations.net.

{ 0 comments }

Ask Meg: My Wife Has No Sex Drive. Why?

by Meg on April 29, 2012

Meg,

I saw you on Fox 10 News this morning and thought I’d ask you…

My wife has little to NO sex drive at all.  I love her dearly, but as a typical male, I would like to be intimate with her a couple times a month.  As we are approaching almost a year now, I wonder if there are options for her to increase that missing drive.  Now I can’t avoid some of the blame as I could be more attentive to her needs and focus more on her love language, but I still wonder if she has a lack of a certain hormone or something.  She could go for years without sex and it wouldn’t bother her.  Me on the other hand; it’s driving me nuts.

Advice?

J.D.

 

Dear J.D.

Firstly, thanks for tuning in and taking the time to write me.

Now, for the important stuff. If I take only the information that you provided, it sounds like your wife is suffering from Hypoactive Sexual Desire Disorder (HSDD), which is very real and classified as a sexual dysfunction disorder in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders IV (DSM). The essence of HSDD is the lack of desire for sexual activity and the distress it’s causing – both of you.

I say, “take only the information that you give me” because there may be a slew of other things going on here. We must first rule out other possibilities. When a woman’s sex drive dies, emotions are usually to blame. So, if your wife is going through an emotional time, is stressed out, or anxious about something, this could be why her libido is lacking. Is your wife taking antidepressants? These babies are notorious for slaughtering sex drives around the world. If she’s on one with loss of libido listed as a side effect, she can easily speak to her doc and talk about getting a med change.

Other substances – legal or illegal – can impact sex drive. In particular, anti-seizure medications, beta-blockers, anti-psychotics, and of course alcohol and illicit drugs can do a number on a lady’s libido. Speaking of medications, is your wife physically healthy? Diabetes, hypertension, arthritis and other medical illnesses can kill sex drive.

You mention that you two are newlyweds, so I’m assuming your wife is on birth control pills, or at least has been in the past. Well, if her pills contain both estrogen and progesterone, you may have found the culprit. Pills containing both of these hormones increase sex-binding globulin which is a protein in the blood stream that binds with testosterone. As I’m sure you’re aware, testosterone is one of the key hormones linked to desire and has a direct impact on a woman’s libido.

As noted above, hormones are incredibly powerful.  And, as you suggest, your wife may have a hormone-related issue. I’m not sure how old she is, but menopause may be a possibility. It is considered the most common cause of decreased libido. During menopause, estrogen levels plummet, causing a lower interest in sex and vaginal dryness.

If your wife is grossly underweight or malnourished, she could very well be harming her libido, as this too, affects hormone levels. Many underweight women are anemic, which again, affects sex drive.

It sounds like you’re in touch with your feminine side and are emotionally tuned-in to your wife as you mentioned “love language.” I don’t hear a lot of men refer to that, so props to you! But, as I touched on above, your wife could be experiencing some emotional “stuff.” Sexual trauma is a huge issue in women with no sex drive, for obvious reasons. Also, her body image may be suffering. With the pressure and expectations from our culture for women to look a certain way, many women suffer from body image issues, so check in with her and make sure she feels beautiful and sexy.

Lastly, how’s your marriage? Are there any unresolved relationship issues in regard to trust, intimacy, or communication, etc.? If a woman is struggling, internally, with such an issue, the problem may manifest sexually.

Keep us posted and best of luck!

 

Best,

Meg

 

Ask Meg is a series in which a reader/customer writes in to our love expert, Meg, with a relationship/sex question. Kind of like Dear Abby, but with more sex! Meg has her master’s in clinical psychology, works as a crisis counselor and has over 15 years of experience in behavioral health, specializing in relationships and sex. If you have a question, email Meg at mkrein@fascinations.net.

{ 0 comments }

Ask Meg: I Have a Premature Ejaculation Problem; Help!

by Meg on April 25, 2012

Hi Meg,

So, in the past I’ve had a huge problem with premature ejaculation and I feel like it has ended some of my better relationships. I never know what to tell girls or what to do after it happens because I am so embarrassed and it’s just super awkward. I guess I could really use some advice on how to approach girls with this and some ways that I could make myself last longer, permanently.

 

Thanks,

D

 

Dear D:

Whenever I feel embarrassed about something or find something “super awkward” I address it – openly. I’ve found that people respond favorably to this method and it tends to lighten the mood. And, believe me; I’ve had plenty of these experiences. Clearly, I’ve never had the issue of premature ejaculation (PE) though, but I can appreciate the humiliating aspect.

 

As a clinician, I’ve diagnosed plenty of patients with this condition. PE is coded in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-IV) as a sexual dysfunction disorder. This sounds much more serious than it is. But, let me quote something straight from the manual, “Premature Ejaculation may create tension in a relationship. Some unmarried males hesitate to begin dating new partners out of fear of embarrassment from the disorder.” Sounds like you can relate, huh?

 

You don’t mention the onset of your issue, which is important. But, because you use the term “girls” I’m going to gather that you are younger. And, by younger, I’m assuming maybe in your late teens to early 20’s. I’d also be interested to know if you’ve ever ejaculated normally. Typically, premature ejaculation (PE) is seen in younger males and is present from their first attempt at intercourse. Conversely, men who have normal sexual function for a period and then develop PE, anxiety is usually the culprit. When I say anxiety, I’m talking severe performance anxiety. Some men develop intense anxiety when getting frisky with a new partner. I mean, it is stressful. Of course, there are other possibilities, such as erectile dysfunction (ED) or substance abuse (ex: men who suddenly stop drinking booze regularly may develop PE because they depended on the alcohol to delay orgasm instead of behavioral methods).

 

Okay, so now, how to stop it. Well, if you’ve determined it’s performance anxiety you’re suffering from, you need to communicate it, whether it’s to the girl(s) you’re dating or a therapist. Talking – about anything – helps.  Men, often times, hold things inside. Don’t do this. Find someone safe to talk to and get a few things off your chest. Another option: self-help books. There is a ton of literature on this topic. Utilize it.

 

So, how do your pelvic muscles feel? For various reasons, men are less likely to release pelvic tension. Often times, sex can cause you to tighten these muscles, by holding your breath or flexing ab muscles, which contributes to PE. Stretching these muscles out will be helpful. Try yoga, swimming or other relaxing, elongating activities. You can never go wrong with a massage, either. Not only will this relax and loosen you up, it may ease any anxiety you feel about your own body. When we allow someone else to touch us so intimately and openly, we’re allowing ourselves to be vulnerable and becoming more comfortable with ourselves and our body images.

 

You should also try Kegel exercises. These babies aren’t just for the ladies! They will completely strengthen your pelvic region. The start-stop method is also good practice. Basically, you just masturbate yourself to the brink of orgasm and then stop. I know it sounds like waterboarding, but just think of it as a training regimen.

 

Sexual positions can also influence PE. Missionary is the position most correlated with PE. This is because muscular tension increases in the man’s body as he supports his body weight with his arms and core strength. So, spice things up! Try doggy style or toss your girl on top.

 

You can also try desensitizing creams, or masturbating before sex. But, if premature ejaculation continues, please seek medical advice.

 

Best,
Meg

 

Ask Meg is a series in which a reader/customer writes in to our love expert, Meg, with a relationship/sex question. Kind of like Dear Abby, but with more sex! Meg has her master’s in clinical psychology, works as a crisis counselor and has over 15 years of experience in behavioral health, specializing in relationships and sex. If you have a question, email Meg at mkrein@fascinations.net.

 

 

{ 0 comments }

What’s Up with All the Hype Over “Fifty Shades of Grey”?

by Meg on April 25, 2012

I don’t care who you are, you’ve heard about the erotic novel “Fifty Shades of Grey”. It’s a fantasy phenomenon. If you haven’t been drooling over the graphic sex scenes on your Nook, you’ve heard about them on The Today Show, MSNBC, CNN, and now Dr. Oz.  This “mommy porn” as it’s referred to, is really just a love story with a BDSM twist. Of course, “Fifty Shades” is classified as Twilight fan fiction, so fantasy is heavily involved, which leads me to believe this is why women are so taken with this book. Well, that and the hero of the story, Christian Grey.

 

So, why did women fall absolutely head over heels for a Dominant? Well, here’s why:

 

  • Protective: Women need to feel protected, physically AND emotionally. We need to feel safe to share our feelings, thoughts, secrets, fantasies, etc. Christian is strong, powerful and protects Ana (heroine of story). He hires security, buys her a safe car, and is faithful to her (sexually protects her).
  • Successful: Not just monetarily, either. Men can have lots of money, but without goals or ambition, there really is no success. Christian is an entrepreneur and created great success for himself. He’s young and works hard.
  • Decisive: I can’t think of anything more annoying than when, on a date, a man says, “Hmm…I don’t care. Where do you want to go?” or “It’s up to you,” or “Whatever time works for you.” Women want men who take control and have an opinion. We may want men to think we’re the boss, but really we don’t want to be. Many of us make huge decisions at work, so it’s nice to have decisions made for us, after hours. Christian knows what he wants, and what Ana wants.  He orders for her, moves her into his home, tells her what time he’ll pick her up, etc. He famously says to her, “Come.” Quite the double entendre.
  • Confident: Women need to feel like they can lean on their man, like a rock. It makes us feel comfortable and trusting. A man who can adapt to different social situations, is sophisticated, and comfortable with himself gives us that feeling. Christian is proficient in many different things (sailing, flying, business, lovemaking) and knows how to handle himself in diverse situations. He is also very well known, respected, and gets what he wants.
  • Humor: Life is too serious to take seriously. We all need someone to laugh with.  Christian has a sense of humor (although it is Ana who gets him to show it.) He is also imperfect, which makes him more human and relatable.

 

The other part of this book that is a huge draw to women is the fantasy piece. But, why? Keep reading for the reasons women fantasize.

 

  • Autonomy: We have this need for autonomy (self-management and choice). Today, women have a lot of power and control at both, work and home. We’re under pressure and stressed. We’d love to relax, but giving up that control is scary.  Fantasy is a non-threatening way to do so.
  • Control: Giving up complete control involves trusting someone – completely. When is the last time you did that? When you were a baby? Imagine letting some dude tie your limbs to the bedposts and blindfold you, or telling a man your deepest, dirtiest, darkest secret. What feelings overcome you? Panic? Fear?
  • Trust: Fantasies take us to a place where we can completely let ourselves go and trust someone – fully. It’s really what people are after; what we are all striving for. We all want to be taken care of, in some part of our life. No one can do everything alone.
  • Escape: Life can be ugly. A lot of women fantasize because they’re going through divorces, have horrible jobs, are getting abused, are bored, whatever. Fantasy is a form of coping, stress relief.

One woman may drink a few martinis to unwind, another may snort a line of coke to deal with her rough day, another may blow $4,000 in an hour at Nieman Marcus, while yet another may fantasize to cope with life. Heck, some women may do all of the above! Either way, fantasy provides relief and makes us feel good.

 

If you’re familiar with “Fifty Shades” and/or fantasy, think about the feelings that surge through your body while you’re reading the words in the books. Excitement? Enthusiasm? Arousal? Order all three books from Fascinations today!  Hurry, because they’re flying off our shelves.

 

 

 

{ 0 comments }

Ask Meg: Why Is Sex So Painful?

by Meg April 23, 2012

Hey Meg, I’m hoping you can lend some professional advice for a very painful situation. My boyfriend and I recently started having sex (we’ve been together for months, but held off for various reasons) and have encountered some major problems. He and I are on complete opposite sides of the spectrum – size wise – [...]

Read the full article →

Ask Meg: Why Doesn’t My Hubby Want Sex?

by Meg April 2, 2012

  Meg: Hi my name is Jessica. I have a question for you. My husband is 39-years-old and has very little interest in sex. We have been together for about 4 years. When we met he hadn’t had sex in a very long time, so he was horny as hell for a while, then it [...]

Read the full article →

Ask Meg: Why Did I Wake Myself Up With An Orgasm?!

by Meg March 21, 2012

Meg: I have a problem. The last two nights, I woke myself up with an orgasm. I sleep alone, am not dating anyone, and don’t remember dreaming about a hot guy or anything. I don’t get it. I’ve heard of this happening to men, but not women. What’s going on? Am I normal? -Ms. Uh-O

Read the full article →

Five Things Most Men Don’t Give a Hoot About – In a Woman

by Meg March 13, 2012

A couple of weeks ago, I posted an article entailing things not all women give a hoot about, in regard to men.  Well, it seems only fair if I do the same for the ladies. We women tend to obsess about things that men really couldn’t care less about. While we’re busy worrying what he’s [...]

Read the full article →

← Previous Entries