We’ve all probably heard the term “BDSM” tossed bandied about here or there. However, not everyone knows what the letters stand for.

BDSM is a handy dandy set of three acronyms within four letters. B/D stands for Bondage and Domination, D/s for Dominance and submission, and SM for Sado-Masochism. So if someone says that they are “into BDSM,” it doesn’t mean that they are into ALL of those things, although they certainly could be. It just means that at least one of these things turns them on.

Lots of people are turned on by various aspects of BDSM, whether it’s on the more mild side, like using furry hand cuffs and blindfold, or more intense with floggers and whips. There is nothing wrong with any of it, and it can really spice up sex lives. Some people may be worried about the consent aspect of BDSM, but most people playing with BDSM use a safeword (like “red”) that stops all action. That way, you can say something like “no, no, I don’t want you to tickle me while I’m tied to the bed” without meaning that you in fact DON’T want to be tickled. It can be fun to play with saying “no” or “stop,” knowing you can still say another word to make things stop.

Let’s break this down to make it a little easier.

Bondage. Ok, that one is fairly self explanatory. It involves restraint. Now, this can be using ties or stockings to tie someone up, it can be setting up an under the bed restraint system for when the mood strikes, or it can be complicated rope ties/Shibari (a Japanese style of rope bondage). Any and all of those are bondage.

Discipline. Also fairly easy to understand; I tell you to do something, you don’t do it, you get in trouble (or vice versa!). Now, there doesn’t always have to be a consequence situation – some people get off on the concept of punishment, even if they haven’t broken any “rules.” Discipline CAN involve pain, or bondage, but it doesn’t have to.

Domination. The act of being dominant over someone(s). This can involve role playing as teacher/student, doctor/patient, etc, or it can be playing with “I’m in charge, and you’re submissive to me” or even a more full time way of dominating your partner. Again, let me stress that this is always done consensually – many people find it arousing to dominate another person, and many people find it arousing to submit to another’s wishes.

Submission. The acting of submitting to someone(s). As above, there can be various levels, from role playing, to “I’ll do anything you want me to do for the next 6 hours” to a more lifestyle arrangement. Many people like the feeling of giving up control to another in a safe, negotiated context. Sometimes it may be playing maid to someone, other times it might involve fulfilling your partner’s every wish.

Sado-Masochism. Sadism is the feeling of wanting to cause pain to someone. In the BDSM context, players tend to go by “SSC” which means Safe, Sane and Consensual or “RACK” which means Risk Aware Consensual Kink. This means that everyone talks about what they like/don’t like, what they want to happen/what their limits are, establish a safeword, etc. This is not the same kind of sadism that people talk about when referring to serial killers. In this kind of sado-masochism, both parties are consenting.

SM can involve anything from smacking your lover’s butt with a paddle or wood spoon from the kitchen to getting a flogging or play piercing from a more heavy player. People can be both sadists and masochists, or just one or the other, and can range from liking a little pain (like pulling someone’s hair/getting their hair pulled, or wearing nipple clamps) to heavier pain play that can leave marks and bruises.

So there you go – a basic break down of BDSM and what it means. Want more info? Check out Jay Wiseman’s SM 101